We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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