Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Randomize
