Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
