Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
