there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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