i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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