My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
