If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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