Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
