Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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