My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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