Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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