I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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