Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
