I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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