I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
