Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
