Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Randomize
