Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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