I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
