i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Randomize
