the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
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