I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I think i peed on brittanys purse
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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