I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
And my parents said I crawled through the house
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
