Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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