I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
it glows. i had to have it.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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