I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
