is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I can't turn off my feet"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
