dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
