i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
