Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
