Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
