so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
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I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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