God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
