I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
