new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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