he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
