Swine flu. Run for my life!
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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