I think my fart just growled at me.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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