she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
