Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Randomize
