I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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