Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
