My friends, they love my intelligence
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
