I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
This house was built for laser tag.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
