I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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