It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
