did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
