I wish I could punch you in the face.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
