I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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