Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Semen is not good for contacts.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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