Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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