just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
