My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
The adults are the big ones right?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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