Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
